Sometimes You Can’t Push Past The Crap, and That’s Okay.

So originally, I was going to write a helpful post of how to budget your energy to achieve your goals. Because let’s face it, living with mental illness is a draining, exhausting endeavor. And I’m sure I’ll get back to that post at some point in the future, but as I was rounding out the second paragraph, the Superbowl started.

Everything was fine. The Schuyler Sisters rocked America the Beautiful. Atlanta was kicking Brady’s ass. Twitter was a semi-happy place for the first time since the election. And Lady Gaga gave a phenomenal Half-time performance that had me crying because BORN THIS WAY!

Then everything wasn’t fine. Patriots came back. Richard Spencer (the Nazi who got punched) was rejoicing the white-ness of the Patriots. And reality hit like a double decker bus speeding out of hell.

Safe to say, that budget-your-energy post kinda disappeared into the abyss of my irritation. I’ve taken on quite a lot (for me) this past month and that paired with new awful Cheeto-related disasters happening on a fairly daily basis, my ability to rebound from depressive states has pretty much disappeared. I’m trying. I swear! Hence the blog post.

But Holy Crud is it difficult. I love my country. I served in the Army for several years and spent one of those years in Iraq. That deployment was what got me into this little mental health pickle I’m now in. And funny story, my PTSD has very little to do with the incoming rockets our base took on a regular basis. My PTSD is the result of being used as a scapegoat for men’s incompetence. My PTSD was caused by my own effin countrymen.

So seeing the current state of America and how millions of lives are being destroyed by ignorance and incompetence and greed, it all gets a tad overwhelming to deal with. Because what was the point of my military service if people can’t love freely, if people can’t worship freely, if women can’t walk down the street without getting sexually harassed, if black men can’t walk down the street without getting arrested (for no good reason other than their skin tone), if refugees can’t find solace within our borders, or if First Nation Americans are being brutalized for protecting THEIR land from Oil-Industry greed. And let us not forget our allies who helped American troops overseas and at home, who had our backs in war zones.

I love my country. But I keep falling back on the same fear I had in Iraq: what if the people who I could supposedly count on could benefit from hurting me? This is always on my mind, and I can’t remove that filter from my eyes as I look at my family who all voted for the Cheeto and who refuse to follow what his actions are doing to this country and our allies.

But like Iraq, I have things to do. So here’s me, seeing the shit storm, pulling up a poncho, and hunkering down to achieve my goals. Because, in the words of Maureen Johnson, Trump doesn’t get to steal my joy.

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4 thoughts on “Sometimes You Can’t Push Past The Crap, and That’s Okay.

  1. Even though I don’t live there (I’m in the UK), I spent many weeks in depression, anger, and denial after the election and the actual inauguration that felt anything but real. In the end I decided to stop worrying for what I can’t change and do what I can in my limited way to help. I donated to ACLU, I support what movements I can, and try to avoid focusing on the doom and gloom and the things I have no control over. In a way this is resistance to the new-fascist movement that is showing its ugly head. And I’m a writer (LGBTQIA+ writer and person) so my stories are going to be part of my resistance to the hypocrisy and various nazi figures who want me to be “invalid”. That’s all I can do. I guess the other thing is that I try to do all that with love instead of anger.

    Don’t lose hope Breanna. There are millions of good people in your country and the world who are resisting by being who they are and staying true to who they are. That’s the hope I’m clinging on and honestly we can’t lose hope.

    You are amazing, you are fighting back in your own way and that’s what matters. Lots of love and hugs. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Aura. As always, your support means so much to me. I’ve also made a point to donating to the ACLU. I recognize that I can’t always fight vocally/politically against every injustice, so I try to support the people who can.

      I have a descent progressive pocket where I live, but it’s hard to discuss things that are so important to me (also LGBTQ+) with the family. It’s definitely an issue of failing to accept what I can’t control. I’m working on it though.

      Thank you again for your positivity and encouragement! Sending you the best wishes! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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